THE PINE BOX

Antigonish in Uproar as Water Ban Threatens Lawns, Not Complaints

By Pine Box Staff Reporter

ANTIGONISH - With water levels in the James River watershed now resembling a shallow kiddie pool forgotten behind someone’s shed, the Town of Antigonish has implemented restrictions banning residents from watering their lawns, gardens, or driveways. The announcement has caused a deluge—not of rain, but of Facebook posts.

“I paid good money for my sod, and if I want it to look like the Augusta National, I should have the right,” said lifelong resident Cheryl Tinkertop, while angrily misting her tomato plants with a spray bottle labeled ‘Grey Water – Do Not Drink (Except Me)’.

Another resident, Brett “Big Hose” McGillicuddy, complained: “I don’t care if the river runs dry. If my grass turns brown, what will the neighbours think? This is communism.”

Meanwhile, the local university St. Francis Xavier has been spotted openly watering its sports fields with well water, leading some residents to cry foul. “Why do the athletes get green grass, but my begonias are being tortured?” said Doris MacLeod, while posting an all-caps rant to the Antigonish Rants, Raves, and Recipes Facebook group.

Mayor Thomas Whiffington defended the town’s decision in a press conference held beside a decorative rain barrel. “The situation is dire,” Whiffington explained. “We must all make sacrifices. Except the university, of course. They have wells, and I’m told the football team gets cranky if they have to play on crunchy turf.”

Councillor Janet Puddleworth added, “People need to understand—brown lawns build character. In Europe, they call it a meadow and charge tourists to look at it.”

But not all councillors agreed. Councillor Wayne Dribble, who insisted his hot tub qualifies as a “grey water collection unit,” was seen refilling it with a suspiciously clean garden hose. “It’s a matter of interpretation,” he said.

Despite the uproar, Whiffington remains steadfast. “We can survive a few weeks without green lawns. What we can’t survive is an actual shortage of drinking water. Also, I don’t want to read another 700-comment thread about this on Facebook. That’s the real drought—my patience.”

As Antigonish waits for rain, residents have been encouraged to conserve, reuse grey water, and refrain from using the phrase ‘my rights’ in connection to petunias.